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i need a place to vent

September 19, 2011

Today is one of the days, i just want to be with family, or with him.

Sometimes I question myself, how much longer should i bear with this?

Yes, people laugh. They think its funny. They think its a compliment. They think its alright to tease.

The thing is, ITS NOT ALRIGHT AT ALL.

Its an INSULT to me.

I want to be taken seriously.

I want to be complimented on my professionalism. on the product of my performance.

And to those who ‘laughed along’ at those flirtatious jokes… Can’t you have more empathy? We are of the same gender. DO you really think its alright to be treated like this?

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So a big shot was in school. He was at the canteen talking with some teachers.

I walked into the canteen. got my food. sat down.

He came to me. babbled something in kelantanese. everyone laughed. i couldn’t understand him. i showed no response.

He was taken aback when he realised i did not respond. a female teacher quickly ‘jumped into rescue’ and told me he said i looked really pretty.

i gave an awkward/polite smile.

He then said that i looked good in baju kurung, and since i am already wearing baju kurung, i should wear tudung too.

Everyone laughed again, and started commenting what type of head scarves will look good on me.

i gave an awkward/polite/areyoukiddingme smile.

Then he asked where am i from. i answered perak. he then said i should consider not leaving gua musang, and further hinted that he could ‘provide for me’.

Everyone laughed again. Some teased him saying he is too old for me. BUT NO ONE SAID ITS NOT ALRIGHT TO JOKE LIKE THIS.

i didnt even know what kind of smile i gave. probably a ‘pleaseletmeeatinpeace’ smile.

Then he asked whether i wanna invigilate for SPM, he can make the arrangements. and that he could see me more during the school break.

i quickly replied im going to nz and had bought my tickets.

He asked am i going alone or with someone. I didn’t get the joke. apparently everyone else did. they laughed.

I answered bluntly, “im going alone.”

He said, ‘then i have a chance!’ can i follow?

everyone laughed again.

like. seriously? am i a joke to you guys?

thank goodness someone asked for him. and slowly the teachers were taking their leave from the canteen.

but they smiled at me one kind before they left.

fine.

i probably am being branded as the temptress again.

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this really gets me.

im not really a feminist, as i occasionally enjoy the privilege of being the ‘weaker’ sex.

but sexual harassment is no way alright. especially when i didn’t go around flirting or flaunting any girly charms i might have. for goodness sake, i don’t even wear blouses or skirts anymore to be ‘decent’.

and i know some female teachers have been ‘careful’ with me since there are a lot of married couples in my school.

come on lah. why don’t you screw and lecture your husbands to stop the flirtatious jokes.

if i could, i avoid any possible conversations with the male teachers. mainly to avoid unpleasant rumors, and also i cant speak and could hardly understand kelantanese.

i just want to be taken seriously in my work place. to be acknowledge as an educator. is that even that hard?

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tomorrow would probably be a better day.

Lord, please watch over me.

 

ps. i may even delete this post later.

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